New Beginnings - One is the Magic Number

So I thought I would be better in July and blog a bit more. But here I am, the 29th of July trying to get a blog in before August.

I wrote that July was a blank slate and that I had nothing really planned but many possibilities on the horizon. It's definitely turning out to be just that.

I've been struggling lately to find topics to write about. This is my 21st month living here. Things were starting to feel pretty normal here in London. I was starting to feel really settled here...so I thought.

I've been quite hush about another side of my life here. My dating life. My journey to find that special someone, have a relationship, and really feel settled here. I still won't go into too many details but I thought I met someone that I felt very comfortable and secure with in many ways. He was American and had been here for 10 years. It felt like home to relax in his flat and be around him. I met his friends (yes some were British and lovely) and went to his local pub. The prospect of being able to come back to the US one day was great. He was also different from other guys that I've typically dated. He was very outgoing, up for travel, different music and political interests. It was a really nice feeling to be with him.

For whatever reason, it just didn't work out. The long term chemistry just wasn't there or we just didn't take the time to build it. I was crushed. My friends who know me well know what my motto is... NEXT....Life is just too short. I bounce back pretty fast and definitely started dating again but I guess you can say that I had a short period of mourning. I fully didn't understand it at the time.

I suddenly felt lost like I was a stranger in London. It was an erie feeling. I almost packed my bags and took a flight home just to be with friends, see my grandmother and to put things in perspective. Coincidentally, our gay friend had a "Girls nite in" and it was such a great time with him and the girls. I even got the polite, "Well I didn't really like him for you anyway," from my friend who was too nice to say anything when we were dating. This is exactly what I needed. Great friends...and I didn't have to travel 4000 miles away to find comfort in them.

I just didn't have the energy in me to make the journey home. I took some time to reflect why I was feeling so uneasy about the break up and the truth is...I'm not as settled here as I think I am.

When I left Chicago, I gave away everything in my home. My warm, safe home. My company didn't offer me an expat package so I didn't get to ship any of personal things here. I came with 5 suitcases which consisted mostly of my clothes, a few photo frames and albums, and a few of my favorite kitchen items. Then Stanley came over 1 month after. In no way am I materialistic but when you give up everything for a dream, I'm sure there's something that leaves you emotionally scared no matter how great the opportunity.

Since then I've been reluctant to invest in anything until I am 100% sure London is for me. My flat came furnished. I didn't have to buy plates, kitchen or bedroom accessories. I realized that I need to work on making myself feel more settled, more like home no matter how long or short I may live in London. It may sound odd but I bought some iPod speakers that I was holding off on for whatever reason. I am even going to buy myself to a food processor that Mari has been bugging me to buy and a laundry hamper. Affordability is not an issue. I suppose it was more mental. While insignificant to others, these are significant investments for me emotionally. It makes being here more permanent, a reality.

Coming to London was a major life change for many reasons. If you knew me back in Chicago, you would definitely say that I am a different person now. I think differently, have a wider circle of friends, expanded interests. If you got to know me now, you would understand and admire my story. This short relationship challenged me to change things up a bit. To start making London home for myself and be settled but not get too comfortable with life that I stop being curious. I want to take this journey to the next level. Continue to learn new things. Challenge myself in different ways and be humble about it.

Suddenly my blank slate in July is becoming a brighter, vivid canvas for the future.

Oddly enough, I was watching an episode of Oprah. She stated this very powerful quote, "Every death is a wake up call to live more fully, more completely, more presently."

This quote could be the story of my life.